WHEN UNFORGIVENESS BECOMES TOXIC

by Reverend/Chaplain Kent Svendsen - 09/30/2007

One of my responsibilities as a church pastor and as a military chaplain is to counsel individuals with various problems. One reoccurring theme I often hear of is the inability of individuals to properly process past physical and emotional trauma. In other words, somewhere in the past something bad happened to them and they just can’t seem to let it go. Consequently the hurt reoccurs over and over again in their mind, even though the actual event may have happened long ago. This can be something as major as issues of past child abuse or as minor as a friend forgetting their birthday (and somewhere out there will be somebody who reads this and says: “Forgetting my birthday was no minor issue because you don’t know how badly that hurt me!”).

The point is that most people struggle at times with the issue of unforgiveness. When that happens it can rob them of their peace of mind and damage their relationships. One can become like an abused animal lashing out at everyone around them. And the more they lash out and hurt others, the more those being hurt give it back to them. It creates a vicious cycle or hurt and pain for everyone involved. It’s a toxic poison damaging one’s emotional health. This in turn also negatively affects a person’s mental and physical health.

So how do we lower the emotional pain in our lives and work towards stopping the past from hurting us in the future? The first step is to realize that the present pain and suffering caused by past hurts is self-induced. The actual hurt may have happened in the past, but we are the one’s inflicting the pain on ourselves in the present. Knowing this can help set a person free. If the emotional pain we experience is being caused by the past, then there really isn’t anything one can do to change that. In that scenario, were just the helpless victims who can do nothing except mourn the past. But if we take responsibility for our present actions in continuing the pain then an opportunity is created to change the future.

The next step is the really hard one. Because just knowing this information doesn’t mean one can just simply decide to stop reliving past hurts. The ability to change old response patterns into new ones takes time and practice. When something or someone triggers past hurt filled memories a new response is needed in order to divert those thoughts into more positive results. This can be accomplished by practicing forgiveness.

Now perhaps you’re the type of person who thinks that they simply can’t forgive some things that happen in the past. There are probably a number of reasons for that. First, you might think that forgiving is the same as saying that you just over reacted to the past hurt and have now “gotten over it”. Or you might think that by forgiving somebody or some situation that it frees those involved from the moral obligation to pay for past wrongs. Perhaps you think that if forgiveness is offered then justice will never be realized. Or perhaps you think that some amends have to be made before forgiveness can be offered. But in reality forgiveness is all about who you are and how you’re handling the situation. If you take responsibility for your future then you can take actions to change things.

Forgiveness is the ability to let go and to separate from the past. To say to yourself: “I will no longer allow the suffering of the past to be continued into the future.” And remember, one can forgive and still learn from the past. A person doesn’t have to forget life experiences in order to take away their power to cause renewed hurt and pain. Here’s a phrase I often give people to memorize in order to break the cycle of reliving past hurts and emotional trauma. “If you go through life driving your car forward by looking in the rear view mirror you’re going to get into an awful lot of accidents.” Saying that to oneself can often divert one’s thoughts away from the past hurts and perhaps even prevent new one’s in the future. It reminds us that there is a future ahead in which we can have many positive new experiences if only we keep our eyes on the road ahead!

Reverend Kent Svendsen is an ordained Elder in the United Methodist church serving churches in the Northern Illinois Conference. He is the pastor of the First United Methodist Church of Forreston / Leaf River United Methodist Church Cooperative Ministry. He is both an ordained minister and a reserve military chaplain.

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